Finding out your sexuality can be a weird experience. Especially when your experience is not that of the default kind. As a kid you grow up to your parents being in love (hopefully) and most people falling in love with an other gender. Then you learn about the people who love the same gender as they themselfs are. Then about the people who love multiple genders, or for whom it doesn't really matters.
When you grow a bit older friends and classmates start having crushes and getting into relationships. People start asking you about it. People start saying stuff like "One day when he shows up with a girl, or maybe even a boy, which is also fine". Meanwhile you are thinking by yourself that you just don't think about it and that maybe it will come later when it is more 'mature'. Yet that day never comes, at least as far as the typical attraction goes. For most people getting into relationships, developing crushes and feelings, finding someone hot, all revolves around sexual attraction. When that is abcent from your own feelings it starts fucking with you. (pun intended). You start asking yourself "am I bi?", "am I pan" or "am I broken". It takes a while before you start realizing that 0 + 0 might actually not equal 2. It takes a book, a movie, a story, a post, a video, or just a random thought. It is at that moment that you discover the term asexuality.
Learning about asexuality
When you finally after all these years find out that you might be ace, the real quest begins. After all, all that you have learned and experienced socially has to be unlearned, torn apart, and descovered again. You start reading books and watching videos. You are learning about microlabels describing different levels of attraction. You learn about being sex-positive and sex-negative. You learn about what it means to have sexual thoughts, but not the typical feelings that go with it. You learn about the suprising amount of ace people being into kinky shit. You learn about the multiple types of attraction. Wait whattttt. MULTIPLE TYPESSSS????? Yes, multiple types of attraction. You learn the difference between sexual and romantic. You learn about platonic attraction. You find out that there is something called aromantism.
It is at that moment that you start piecing your thoughts together. You start talking about it with people. People start telling you about their asexuality (THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE). You find out that you are also aromantic. You find out the community that is both called: aroace. You find out that they have a beautiful flag, namely the sunset flag (see footer below). Slowly but surely you start getting comfortable with the fact that you experience relationships with people differently. You find out about queer platonic relationships. Life starts getting better.
Aroace representation
One thing that becomes very clear very fast is that sheer lack of representation in all forms of media and art. I started with describing the 'normal' hetrosexual relationships being the norm and the growing representation and support for lesbian, gay, bi, and pan people. But something is missing. The missing piece is your experience. If you look online for aroace representation, especially from before 2020, you find that they are all characters which are not explict in the fact that they are ace or aro. They are often cartoon characters like bo jack horseman.
But things are changing and it is changing fast. There are more and more books, movies and series with ace and aro characters. The book where it really clicked for me was "Loveless" by Alice Oseman. It was a book based on their own experience, as they themselfs are aroace. What they have done for the visibility of the community is amazing. Series starting to include ace people is really warming my hearth. As are the movies that are not focussed on sexual relationships, but rather on the amazing thing that is a platonic relationships. Turns out that being friends is really loving eachother.
Being at pride for the first time this year, something else really hit me emotionally. The first boat on the canal parade in Utrecht had 8 pride flags. All of them were normal rainbow flags, apart from one at the front. There was a big asexual flag. Seeing that flag as one of the first flags of the parade healed something in my hearth. It will be forever a moment I will remember.
The Universal Asexual Flag (UNI ACE)
Earlier this year Ashabi published the final version of the universal asexual flag. A 'new' flag introduced to better represent the community. It was a quest for giving voice to the struggles of marginalist communities and integrating intersectionality into the design. It was done through many different platforms and even based on a survey. I am really impressed by the dedication and courage it must have taken to start this, but also to finish it. The amount of shit people are saying is not ok.
The uni ace flag represents a broader and more inclusive community. Highlighting the importance of community and all forms of love. Acknowledge the diversity that our community has and will always have. And next to that it really is a wonderful flag. I will be using it more often from now on and sharing the word on the flag.
Conclusion
There is not one way of being ace and/or aro. At the end of the day we are who we are and we love how we love. It will never make us less of a person or cold. We are some of the warmest and most kind people on this planet. Let's cuddle everyone with all the platonic love we can find.
For now there only rest me one more thing. When are we invading Denmark again? I have to plan my mountrips around it.
